In Which a Muggle Attempts to Defrost a Sociopath with Mixed Results
by meme-asaurus
Summary: Canon-wise, Betty Grof searches to cure the Ice King by exploring the Land of Ooo for a magical loophole (even though there's this cosmic being at the center of universe that can literally grant any wish, but don't tell Betty that). In this story, Betty also tries to keep the relationship alive by breaking into the Ice Kingdom every Tuesday and giving "Simon" a therapy session.
1. Session One

The blows of Muscle Princess rained down on the Ice King's crooked face. His repeated apologies for kidnapping proved no avail. Nothing could cease her relentless assault.

Which made the thing that forced her to stop all the more shocking: It was Gunter.

"Wak! Wak! Wak!" cried the soulless evil penguin, flapping his wings up and down uselessly.

"Huh?" said Muscle Princess, under the impression that the flightless bird was addressing her. "What do _you_ want, tiny ice chicken?"

Gunter repeated, "Wak! Wak! WAAAAAAK!" He gestured to the window, where a robed woman floated on a magic carpet. While the Muscle Princess was only looking in confusion and curiosity, the new woman still felt like she was exposed like a child caught stealing from the cookie jar. The robed figure gasped and fled.

Ice King had only glimpsed the intruder with only one of his two new black eyes, but he still knew what he saw: A spy! It just had to be. Since Muscle Princess was still distracted, he had plenty of opportunity to escape her beatdown and chase this mystery girl by flying out the window.

Which he did.

"Hey, you!" called the frosty tyrant that nobody really liked having around. "The Ice Kingdom is strictly a no-spy zone! That's why I spy on people in _other_ kingdoms!"

Cloakface McGee said nothing. Saying nothing must've meant that she was ignoring him. And ignoring the Ice King was punishable by being hit with a face-full of freeze ray. He retaliated as such.

With the flying carpet completely iced, the mystery lady was falling towards her death, her knees frozen to the magical rug. It was also notable that she was screaming. Screaming a name, actually.

"SIIIIMMMMOOONNN!"

A huge arm molded out of snow sprung up from the ground, catching her halfway down. The Ice King floated down to eye level, hands on his hips in a certain sassy 'oh, you're in trouble with me now' sort of pose that I'm sure we're all familiar with.

"Well, what do have to say for yourself, Little Miss Snoopypants?" the Ice King huffed. "Why were you staring through my window just now? If you're trying to stalk me, I prefer the direct approach."

"I wasn't stalk-"

"Speaking of the direct approach, I've got an idea!" he continued with a grin. "Why don't I kidnap you and we can talk this out? The ladies LOVE it when I do that."

* * *

All and all, this was a pretty weird day for Betty. However, she wouldn't exactly sum it up as 'weird,' since she found that word a little too weak for this situation. She was watching her delusional, 1000-year-old finance eat a leftover sandwich in a magical land of adventure and genetic mutation where everyone that she ever knew and loved was long, long dead. This wasn't weird. This was traumatizing. This was bunked up in approximately twelve different ways.

So, she didn't exactly feel like talking tonight.

But despite everything that happened, she still valued her ability to not crack under pressure. However, the rather rude way Simon was acting didn't help her situation. She was aware that he was insane, but it was slowly beginning to understand that there was _layers _to that insanity. When he first put on the crown, he was more of a 'screaming to the heavens while leveling an entire city' kind of insane. The incredibly bearded man that was in front of her, on the other hand, was something different entirely. He was aloof and uncaring, as if he was gliding throughout the world he lived in like it was a fever dream. The only resemblance between the two 'Simons' was the eyes. Those twin, all-white balls of cold fire that were always open to an impossible extent. Without pupils, it was hard to tell what Simon was looking at. Possibly it was at everything at once; that could explain why he couldn't seem to focus. Maybe it was visions that the crown made him see.

"So! What kind of princess are you?" Simon asked with his mouth full of sandwich.

Betty took her mind off the frostbite that the giant ice cube she was stuck in. "Pardon?"

"You're a princess, right?" Simon repeated, giving a wink. "I mean, I wouldn't have taken you in if you giving off this whole princess-vibe."

"Not actually a princess. Now let me go, I have things to do! Places to go! Curses to lift!"

"Naaaah, you're just fibbing with me." Simon scoffed. "I've seen you around somewhere, and the Ice Kingdom's numero uno tourists are kidnapped princesses."

"Uhhh… my boyfriend used to call me his Princess," Betty half-lied.

"Well, do you wanna be the Ice Princess?" Simon retorted in a fashion that probably considered smooth.

"No!" Betty snapped. "I don't even want you to be the Ice _King_!"

"Say whah?"

Betty lost it. She was officially done. She had it with magic. She had it with crowns. She had it with her man getting ice powers. She had it with Ooo. Even a part of her had it with Simon dating a million different women against their will. "SIMON, JUST STOP. JUST. STOP. I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE THE ICE KING. I DON'T WANT TO BE ENGAGED TO A GUY WHO CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS OWN NAME. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE WIZARDS CAN BLOW MY BRAINS OUT. I WANT TO… I want to… *sniff* Oh God Simon, I just want to wake up from this." She hung her head and sobbed.

Simon looked a little scared. Little did Betty know that it was his default reaction to when women yelled at him these days. He scooted his seat over to his right, leaning over to the ear of a bystanding penguin.

"Hey Gunter, who's this God guy? You think that he was the boyfriend that she was talking about?"

Overhearing this, Betty sobbed even louder.

"Wak! Wak wak wak," Gunter replied.

"Wait, unfreeze her?" Simon replied. "Are you nuts? We were about to get into the right mood. They always leave whenever I unfreeze them. Why would this time be any different?"

"Wak wak," said Gutner insisntantly. Which, by the way, was penguin for "Shut up and cook me dinner, ya old fart. Also, give me back the crown. Its power beckons me. IT BECKONS MEEEEE."

"Fiiiine," groaned Simon. "I'll _unfreeze _her, gosh. But only because you're my wingman. You know, besides Finn and Jake."

Being unfrozen, Betty went from 'hung head from exhaustion and grief' to 'collapsed body from exhaustion and grief.'

Picking her up, Simon said to her, "You, uh, okay there lady?"

Wiping away the tears from her glasses with her sweater, Betty mumbled out, "It's Betty. My name's Betty Grof, Simon. It's always been Betty."

"Well, my name's Ice King, not Simon," the blue-skinned man shot back.

"No, it's Simon," Betty said before falling asleep. "Trust me… it's Simon."

The Ice King put Betty in the guest bed with both the softest blanket of snow and the strongest prison bars he could find, but Betty was gone by the next morning.


	2. Session Eight

"Why do you keep coming here, Betty?"

"It's because I want to help you, Simon."

That was it. That was the greeting they shared every visit. What derived from those two lines varied from time to time. A lot of the time it was immediately followed by a low groan of frustration from the Ice King. One other time Betty added that "it would be nice of you to help yourself for once." But before all that, Ice King would walk into a random room in his castle, see Betty already standing in the middle of it, proceed to see her point to the nearest piece of sitting furniture, then he'd sigh and plop down onto it.

"Betty, I'm gonna tell you that truth: I don't like remembering things."

"Deep down, I know that you do."

"I don't remember ever showing that I do."

"I know you that you do because I know you, even when you don't know you. You know?"

"…No."

"Let's just start with some basic exercises, m'kay? Tell me about how your day went."

"Lessee… Today I kidnapped Breakfast Princess… and Finn beat me up for it. Happy?"

Betty sighed.

"Aw 'c'mon, don't be like that."

"That was last week, Simon."

"Well, today it happened again."

"…"

"Betty, cheer up."

"Why?"

"Because you're dragging me down. Whenever you get like this, I feel all mushy and wrong inside. Bums me right the jibbles out."

"…"

"Betty?"

"Yeah?"

"Would it make you feel better if… nah, forget it."

"What?"

"It's stupid. Stupid idea from stupid old Ice King."

"Tell me."

"No way! You'll laugh."

"Just grow up and tell me."

"Okay, so here it goes: Would you cheer up if you told me about… if you told me about Simon?"

Betty blinked.

"Yeah, I know. It's stupid. I just thought that if you're going to make me spew all the buzz about my life, it's kinda rude not to tell me about you and this Simon jerk you keep bringing up. Which by the way, isn't my name. I starting to think that you're a little craz-"

"YES!" Betty squealed with an ear-to-ear grin, making the Ice King jump in his seat. "YES, WE CAN TALK ABOUT SIMON!"


End file.
